Nicole Thayer

I wrote this one a month ago but I'm FINALLY getting to posting it. Here's a little update...

Okay friends, I gotta get real with you today. 2018 is NOT going how we planned. Alert. 2018 is NOT going according to plan.

Some of you know that we recently sold our first home. Our 1100 square foot first home. We loved it. It was adorable. It was tiny. And we bought a rather large, BEAUTIFUL home on 11 acres of beautiful land. The home is amazing with incredible views and an (awesomely) unique layout that feels like you're in a vacation home. We've waited years for a move like this, always saying we didn't want an "in-between" home for 5-10 years. We just wanted to wait and so we did.

The house was a little outdated in paint, etc and had a few repairs we were prepared to do but we could absolutely see what it would look like with our own touches on it. We daydreamed and planned until it was time to move in.

A couple days after we moved, I noticed mold in the basement. I looked around and found some more. A month later [2 months later now] and here I sit. In Pittsburgh. At my parent's house. Because my house has been mostly gutted. I'll be perfectly honest and say we have no idea what we're going to do. I started to list everything that needs to be done but had to stop myself because it was too intense. No. Idea. What. We. Will. Do.

And today we got more bad news.

I feel like we've been pretty even keel. Doing what we need to do to be responsible and trying to stay focused on our job/college/homeschooling and marriage and being parents (albeit long distance for the last ones.) We've been encouraging each other and staying the course. But today was different. Today was much more intense and although we stayed positive on the phone with each other, we both fell apart a bit after. I stayed in shock for about an hour and thankfully my mom took over when I had to leave the room before I yelled at a kid. I walked downstairs and through my tears muttered, "I can't do this." I can't parent and be kind and patient and care about them wanting an apple when I said no or wanting to play instead of going to bed. I can't do that while I'm falling apart. I'm not capable. And the moment I said, "I can't do this.", my next thought was, "But HE can. Jesus, I need you. Holy Spirit, fill me. I can't do this but you can." Filled with determination, I walked to my dad's study to be alone and as I sat down in his chair, I started singing a song many of you might remember from childhood, "The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house upon the rock, and the rains came tumbling down. The rains came down and the prayers went up... And the house on the rock stood firm." The song is talking about building our house (life) on Jesus, our rock. Because he is always faithful and never changing, our house will stay firm if built on Him. But when our life is built on the changing sands of this world (friendships, money, power, jobs, kids, houses, status, etc), it's sure to "go splat" like I believe the song says. Those things are ever shifting and changing. They'll never bring the security we desire.

As I thought more, I realized that my intense emotions were because I wasn't firmly planted in my faith. After talking to Eric and my mom, fully encouraged in my faith, my mom started talking about joy and I remembered that in the Bible, Nehemiah says, "Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." I don't know that I've experienced it in such a strong way before. As soon as I turned my eyes to the Lord, I felt SO strong and full of joy. When I placed my joy in HIM, I was strong, but when I was placing my joy in financial security and a house, I was weak and easily attacked. And I don't like feeling weak. So I will anchor myself in the Lord and if we lose all financial security and everything goes wrong, I will not have lost out.

"And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?" Luke 9:25

I won't be lost or destroyed. In fact, it's been a while since I was this focused and secure. I was so looking forward to living in the beautiful home we've dreamed of for so long. I was excited for the earthly feeling of success (even though I hated thinking that way.) But I'm clear again. And I'm strong. And while I hope so much that everything works out wonderfully and that God tangibly blesses us in amazing ways and that this miraculously isn't an epic financial setback, the spiritual implications here are huge. And you can't put a price tag on that.

It has been quite a season here in the Thayer home. It's been a good season but a trying one nonetheless. Through the fall and winter, we've gone through the process of listing our house, selling it, and buying another house. It's a tall order while parenting four young kids! And we're finally here. In the homestretch. It's moving week. The box truck comes home tonight and we spend the next two evenings finishing up our packing and loading the truck and we move on Thursday. It's the week we've been waiting for and we're so excited and thankful. But friends, I'm overwhelmed. The list in my head is going something like this... you have to make lunch but wait first you need to do dishes gosh why didn't i pack the cups yet i need to pack the cups and silverware still i need to assemble another box okay now i really need to start laundry and start packing a suitcase for the kids to go to grandmas oh crud lucy drew on the wall again wheres that magic eraser oh no i totally forgot about that closet should i really throw this away what time is the cable company coming where are we going to put all the food from the fridge for 36 hours when should i go drop off that trunkload of donation items what are we going to have for dinner?

It's not my favorite mode to live in.

I texted Eric today as asked him to bring home Taco Bell for dinner. Again. (We'll stop grabbing fast food AFTER we move. For real. We really will.) And I told him I was overwhelmed and there is so much left to do and pack. He sent me this link and said, "Watch this. Change your overwhelmedness." Change your overwhelmedness. Overwhelmed is a pretty big word. It means to bury or drown beneath a huge mass. It's pretty much how I've been feeling yesterday and today but I listened to that song. And I was overwhelmed. I actually took my moment to be buried in God's great love. I let myself drown in his grace. For a moment I just sat and allowed myself to be quiet with him and reflect on his love and grace for me. And I was overwhelmed. It's hard to be drowning in these short lived fears and anxieties when you are drowning in His eternal love.

God talks a lot about what we look at. He tells us to "behold" him and what he has done. He tells us to turn our eyes on him and when we do something happens. We're overwhelmed in a different sea and it's a sea that gives us life, not destruction. God tells us to cast our anxieties on him because he cares for us and as I spent those moments with him, it was so easy to hurl those cares on him. It was easier to toss them when I was focused on HIM. In Philippians we read, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Now, I'm not about to think that my stress about moving compares to what you're going through. Maybe you're in the midst of losing a home or important relationship. Maybe your marriage is falling apart. Or your career. Maybe your health is deteriorating or the car repairs are more than you will earn in the next two weeks. Maybe right now motherhood feels like running a marathon with bricks tied around your ankles. But, dear friend, I promise that the greatness of God's love and grace is bigger. I PROMISE. I promise that his perfect peace is available to you and it will BLOW YOUR MIND. I mean, after all, it transcends all understanding. Just look at him. Look at him and who he is. He is not disappointing. Lift up your eyes, friend.

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.